Bates Blog

On my cell phone today, on my vacation, which I haven’t had one in 11 months…I get a weird 8667013779 that calls me once. I ignore it. It leaves no message. It calls back four hours later, and then an hour after that. After the third time, I pick it up. Here’s how the phone call went –

ME: Hello?

8667013779 – (SILENCE FOR FIVE FULL SECONDS)

ME: Who is this?

8667013779 – (AUTOMATED) This is Time Warner Cable. We’d like you to take a Customer Service Survey. Press One to take this survey. Press Two to skip this survey.

ME: (PRESSES TWO)

ME: (TALKING TO THE AUTOMATED VOICE IN AN EXTREMELY LOUD VOICE) Your company is run by retards!

Here’s the thing — Forget the whole DO NOT CALL list, forget the telemarketer aspect of the entire call, disregard the fact that the final call was at 6 p.m. during the dinner hour. Lets break down what Time Warner wants.

1) A marketing/research tool that gives honest feedback and research on how to better its service and customer relations.

Here’s how it goes about doing it:.

2) It sends an automated phone call to you. If you pick it up, you can either refuse to take the survey, or choose to answer the questions.

Fine. Good. This is as far as everyone in their corporate marketing department got. It takes none of the following into consideration –

1) The fact that over 50% of their customer base don’t have a land line, and is taking this call on their cell phone.
2) The fact that over 80% of people screen their calls these days.
3) The fact that their computer system keeps calling back if the call gets no-pickup
4) The fact that anyone with Call Waiting sees what number keeps harassing them
5) The fact that anyone with a cell phone or who screens their calls, or who finally picks up the same number that keeps calling them over and over just to see who is harassing them, out of sheer frustration, is now expected to answer an honest survey about how best TW Cable can serve them.

This is what happens when companies get too big. It’s an enterprise-wide marketing/research tool that fails on every level. It works in Des Moines, it works in LA. What TW Cable doesn’t realize, is that it only serves to piss off and infuriate every single person it calls.

I’m amazed that this same company made all three Lord of the Rings movies.

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And while I’m on the subject….here’s an idea. The point of typing in all your information before you speak with someone in customer service is so (from the caller’s point of view) you don’t have to repeat that same info when you talk to a human being. I have never typed in my account number, zipcode, phone number, social…whatever…and NOT had to repeat it to the Customer Service Representative. It doesn’t matter if it’s my health insurance, cable, car company, mortgage, utilities, they all make me repeat myself. Why?

Also…stop saying “I’m sorry about that”. You’re not sorry. Saying sorry and then following the apology up with stating that you can’t (change interest rate, reverse charge, talk to manager, etc..etc..et. al) is asinine. There’s actual corporate literature out there which has a chapter called JUST KEEP SAYING SORRY! THE WINNER’S GUIDE TO GOOD CORPORATE CUSTOMER SERVICE. Sorry doesn’t cut it. Sorry doesn’t work anymore when you’re talking to someone that is clearly there as a roadblock. Sorry doesn’t apply when there’s one manager for 50 Customer Service reps, and success is based on how infrequently the manager gets burdened with having to talk to a customer.

And your music. Your music sucks. Your hold music is fingers on the chalkboard of my already burdened soul. And you know what makes shitty music better? You know what relaxes me when I’m on hold…the following, repeated every 25 seconds — YOUR CALL IS IMPORTANT TO US…A CUSTOMER SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE WILL BE WITH YOU IN A MOMENT. THANK YOU FOR CHOOSING (insert corporation here). I’m just saying…space it out. Let the shitty jazz music (shazz) breath a bit. I’ve been on the phone the whole time. I did not forget in the quarter minute before you last told me, who I called and how important I am. And besides, I love Peabo Bryson and Linda Ronstandt. Let me finish hearing the Love Theme to Aladdin before you tell me how I’m still not talking to a live person yet. And if you are going to scream in my ear every 25 seconds with the same announcement, try to make it match the volume of the music and have it not sound like it was recorded at a construction site. I’m not deaf.

I know it’s also a good idea ON PAPER, to try and make sure the customer hasn’t forgot anything. After fighthing a WWI trench warfare stalemate with my cell phone company for twenty minutes, I’m pretty sure there’s nothing else i need help with today. And also, when you didn’t help with what I originally called for, it’s not a good idea to offer to NOT help for something else. SORRY I COULDN’T HELP IN ANY SHAPE OR FASHION TODAY…IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE I CAN HELP YOU WITH?

There has to be some meeting or convention where all these companies learn the same tricks, and learn the same stupid tactics, right? I mean, they’re all doing it. They’re all the same. Same music, same voice mail system, same M.O..

They must sell out the Long Beach Convention Center or Golden Nugget. They have a continental breakfast, and keynote speakers like Tony Robbins or the inventor of the Dial Tone come in and inspire all the CSR’s. There’s meetings and seminars:

1) ADULT CONTEMPORARY OR SOFT ROCK? WHAT HOLD MUSIC REALLY SOOTHES THE SAVAGE BEAST
2) FIVE MINUTES OR LESS — HOW TO REALLY GET RID OF THE CALLER
3) MY MANAGER’S AT A FUNERAL — ALTERNATIVE WAYS TO TURN THE TIDE
4) THIS NEVER HAPPENS…OUR COMPUTER SYSTEM IS DOWN
5) FAKE TYPING FOR CUSTOMER REPS
6) GOING ON BREAK – HOW TO MAXIMIZE YOUR DAY!
7) IT IS IN YOUR BUDGET MA’AM — UPSELLING PLANS TO POOR PEOPLE

I feel better now..thank you.

If you need any more proof of how Time Warner’s system doesn’t work…look at what just spewed out of me from just three unwanted, intrusive phone calls.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna light a candle and turn up the Peabo Bryson!
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