Ok..lemme get this straight.
I have to pay $149 for a computer desk, pick it up myself, wait thirty-five minutes to snag a loading dock space, drive it home myself, put it together myself in instructions that feature NO ENGLISH, with diagrams that feature MISSING HOLES and omits IMPORTANT DETAILS. And people love IKEA! Why…why..’cause they sell meatballs, swedish fish, 75 cent hot dogs and learned how to pack their shit into a flat box. Is that why?
You owe me marriage counseling reimbursment IKEA!!!! You made me almost snap, IKEA! I’m two hours deep in failing miserably at putting together said desk, and I’ve lost two screws and the wooden pegs won’t fit in the holes….and my wife comes in and says, “I think you’re doing it wrong.”
As Chris Rock once said, “I’d never hit a woman, but I’d shake the shit outta her.”
Here was my response to my wife’s helpful suggestion: “Go away….now”.
She wanted the computer desk, not me. I hate buying things. I hate trying to fit large items into my car. I hate putting together things. I hate anything technical or requiring dexterity and patience. She wanted it. And I have to carry it, take it out the box, get the hammer, twist the screws, put the wrong drawer in the wrong slot, take it apart, and do it over and over again. Why..’cause she wants it. And then she says, “I think you’re doing it wrong.”
In the end, I got the desk done–four diet pepsis, eight marlboro lights and three hours later. I did it right too, no thanks to the swedes. No wonder swedish people are renowned for not having a sense of humor…they’re too pissed off putting together IKEA furniture and eating fish.
I apologized to my wife too, for treating her rudely and not communicating my desire that her suggestions were not helpful at the time she chose to present them interpersonally. But here’s the thing: Women always blame men for not picking up on signals…but you don’t take the advice yourself.
CASE IN POINT. If a woman has gotten ready for over and hour, slammed the bathroom door, and changed three outfits angrily for a night out…the man doesn’t say, “You don’t look very good in that.” RIGHT? Think of the computer desk as your wardrobe. It’s not your fault your jeans don’t fit. It’s not your fault you can’t narrow down fifty seven outfits to one, perfect sexy Saturday ensemble. It’s not your fault you’re bloated. See..it’s not our fault the instructions are wrong, it’s not our fault we suck at putting it together, and it’s not our fault they didn’t include a midget in the box that works at a furniture factory and smells of fresh sawdust. Men know to stay away when you’re not happy, stay away when we’re not happy.
Yes, i’m generalizing, yes, i’m probably being sexist…but so what. I’m right, and you ladies know it. (And you know how much I looov the laaadies…)
What was I talking about…oh yes..the Godforsaken desk. It’s done, it’s magnificent, and it’s left drawer only comes out halfway, and you have to jiggle the keyboard holder to slide it out. Thanks IKEA!
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